I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
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Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
I鈥檓 sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren鈥檛 biologically or physically possible.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it鈥檚 a drug deal. 馃槶
My new year’s resolution is 1920 脳 1080.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.