2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
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I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
We need more people like this.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it