Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
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My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Breaking news:
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
car not found
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out