*adds resume embellisher to resume*
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No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Phonetics
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.