Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
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Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.