me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
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We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.