Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
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When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Wake me when AI does housework
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
When someone trying to leave me
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
This is true.