*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
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People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?