i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
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About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Baller is short for ballerina
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
SPLOOT
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.