I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
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The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs