If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
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I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
me after eating Cheetos
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
I don’t hate children, just yours.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.