HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
You Might Also Like
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it