-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
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I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Social distancing in Australia:
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
anyone else like Italian cereal
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly