Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
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Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
happy valentine’s day to me
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out