sry
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Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something