The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
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Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.