clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
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Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.