The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
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God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.