Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
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I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with