I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
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cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.