#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
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Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
twitter users today:
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected