I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
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COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Did my cat write this
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Writing, She Murdered.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.