In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
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Can Happiness buy money?
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”