Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
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Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.