Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
You Might Also Like
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
I put the mess in domestic.
a public service announcement
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?