boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
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Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
#have a #great #PancakeDay
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.