I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
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When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Isn’t
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
also my go-to takeaway order
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?