ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
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My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Sounds like a bargain
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not