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SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”