My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
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It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.