This probably isn’t good
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Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.