who wore it better?
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Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
the way this pissed me off… 😭
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”