5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
You Might Also Like
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”