It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
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every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
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Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.