Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
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What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
The 5 signs of laziness
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So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.