life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
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A friend sent me this.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Bit chilly again tonight.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now