Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
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I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!