Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
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Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Lmfao