Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
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One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!