friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
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Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
? 💀
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.