I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
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Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
how was your vacation
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”