*puts cutlery down*
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Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
incredible text to wake up to
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.