Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
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Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
There’s always that one guy
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A