*updates tinder bio*
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i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
The glockness monster
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
knights of the ikea table
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”