On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
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I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
There’s no “us” in nachos.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us