When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
You Might Also Like
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
DOOO EEEET
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-