PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
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My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.