Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
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United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
I am, perchance
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.