My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
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Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
cats when you pet them too long:
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not