The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
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Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Fights fire with marshmallows
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Left at a local drug store…
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying